One afternoon about 5 years ago, I got on the computer to check my email. There was a letter in my inbox that I will never forget.
To give you a bit of background… I am a BIG momma's baby. I worship my mother. The bad thing is that I live 1000 miles away from her. I hate that I live so far away, but it was a move I chose to make to get out of the hell I was living… but that is another blog entirely.
Anywho… The letter. This letter was from my step-dad. A man I cherish. It stated that he had been transferred to the East Coast for work. He and my mother would be moving. That simple little letter DEVASTATED me!
I was instantaneously pissed/hurt/angry/frustrated… you get the idea. I couldn't believe that they didn't call me to tell me the news. That they didn't have the balls. I couldn't fathom the idea of trying to get to the South Carolina to visit. I don't have that kind of money… it is hard enough to get to Oklafreakinhoma from Colorado.
I woke up Robin… who was napping… tears a flowin (being a big ass baby cuz my mommy is moving to freakin china! Ok South Carolina is close enough)… she was like what the fuck? I explained. She was so great… she comforted me and said that we would find the money somehow to go visit. I was still just beside myself.
I grabbed the phone and dialed frantically… ring… ring… ring… NO DAMN ANSWER. SHIT!
Dialing my sisters number…
SIS… Hello
ME… What the fuck?
SIS… What do you mean "what the fuck"?
ME… Did dad lose his balls?
SIS… What are you talking about?
ME… Did they call you, or did they send you a chicken shit email too?
SIS… KARI, what are you talking about?
ME… You know… the MOVE?
SIS… When did you get that email?
ME… Today.
SIS… What is today?
ME… April 2nd.
SIS… That email came yesterday.
ME… #pauses to think#… SHIT! That bastard!!
SIS… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA
ME… Fuck off!
SIS… Goodbye
ME… Bye… love you.
SO… needless to say, I was now in the "OHHHHH I am going to get him. Sooooo for the next YEAR I plotted. I needed to come up with something that would get him so good that he would regret messin with me!
A year passes… The end of March was upon me and I had to lay the plan in place. I called my mom to fill her in so that she wouldn't die of a heart attack.
Robin is so good with words and can make anything look professional. We sat at the computer. I was so excited I couldn't contain myself. This was going to ROCK his socks off.
We designed Company letter-head for the Twilight Transgender Clinic. And on this lovely letterhead we instigated the most amazing April Fools joke ever!
Side note… we lost the actual letter in a computer crash… I will explain it here…
The gist of the letter was that I was considering having a sex change operation and that I needed the love and support of my family. I would need them to come from Oklahoma to Colorado for no less than 3 family counseling sessions. Also attached to the letter was a questionnaire that they needed to fill out. It had questions on it like… Did Kari prefer boy toys over girl toys when growing up… Did Kari wear men's clothing over women's?
We sent it through the US Mail. I knew dad would get it before mom because of their work schedules. I guess dad got the letter, read it, hid it so my mom wouldn't find it, sat in his chair and got real pissed about it. Finally after dinner, he took that letter out and handed it to my mom. I can't imagine what he was thinking. Mom said she read it and had to bite her tongue so she wouldn't laugh. She finished the letter… sat it down on the table and just waited for dad to explode. And then… "What the fuck are we going to do with these kids Mary Anne?" (I guess they bailed my brother out of jail the weekend before)… my mom couldn't take it anymore and burst out in laughter. "What's so fucking funny?"
She took him by the hand and led him to the calendar. April 1st was just a day away. He marched his butt to the computer and typed THIS one line email… "You are a sorry excuse for a human being and I no longer consider you my child"
I got that email and LAUGHED! I called him. OOOOOH he was NOT happy with me (you know in a joking not happy kind of way).. I got his ass good!
To this day… I watch my back on April Fools day. Never know when he will try to top that!
~Peace
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